ONLY BY GRACE

CNY this year saw us having an additional member - Chung En; the sister's bf. As expected, I will be asked when will my turn come etc. I don't know if there's a tinge of jealousy or envy but I definitely did not enjoy the 'attention' surely. Thankfully, the relatives were rather sensitive and were not incessant in their questioning and advising. But still….I wished I was alone somewhere else.  "Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established." - Proverbs 16:3 -  The older I get, the more pensive I get about CNY. I know the significance of CNY in my head, but I don't seem to be able to fully embrace the family-ness in my heart this year. Maybe this feeling I am getting is 自找 and like my Aunt Joan said, "move on".  I hope I don't lose my security because of the pressure from others to find a man.  I also don't want to lose my sanity fighting all the negative thoughts and feelings.  Oh God, You know

Pastor Gilbert's prayer over me was about RESTORATION.  I knew at that moment it was God's promise and assurance. The tears became uncontrollable.  Truly only He knows my thoughts and heart's desires. He knows how hard I am struggling to forgive and forget, yet He acknowledges my weakness and extends His grace over me with His promise.  I have no idea how to receive the prayer honestly. I know not to doubt nor resist the words spoken over me but I cannot help but feel skeptical from time to time.  Surrender.Surrender.Surrender.  Psalm 27:1,14 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Wait on the Lord; be of good courage And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! So I shall just wait on Him. Let Him be the Restorer of my soul. 

noun ,  plural   catharses     [k uh - thahr -seez]  1. the   purging   of   the   emotions   or   relieving   of   emotional   tensions, especially   through   certain   kinds   of   art,   as   tragedy   or   music. While doing my cathartic 40-lap swim earlier on, I remembered this blog page I created eons ago. True enough, I came home to browse the page and the last entry was 2 years ago! Reading through the various entries did help me relive some happy moments, at the same time it also reminded me of some individuals who I still miss dearly and fondly. I guess this is what "carthasis" is supposed to help one feel - getting in touch of the emotions in order to purge them and not be overwhelmed by them.  So shall I commence the cathartic process of journalling in this New Year. It is not so much a resolution as it is an avenue for me to relieve the emotional tensions inside me, that is if I remember to do so :)